Bizarro World: WaPo Editorial Board Writes Weird Fan Fiction Withdrawal Speech for Biden

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I admit it. I did not predict that the Washington Post editorial board would write a speech for President Biden in which he eloquently—lyrically even—agrees to withdraw from the 2024 presidential race. But write it they did Wednesday, and it reads as if it were penned by a 19-year-old Vassar student who perhaps may have consumed a mind-altering substance and is now deep inside an almost otherworldly fantasy.

“What if Biden Spoke These Words?” The Post asks. My answer: what if pigs could fly? He won’t, and they won’t either. 

After waxing poetic (fairly) about the heroism of our country’s framers, the authors—who are clearly auditioning to be future White House speechwriters—finally get to the point: it’s time for Joe to pack his bags and head back to Delaware.

Over the past few days, I have been reflecting on all this [the challenges facing the country]. My season of service is nearing its close. This was a hard truth to face. But it is the natural course of things — as evident as the progression from spring to summer, from fall to winter. This is why I have decided to withdraw from the campaign for president of the United States.

The president – I’m sorry, I mean the Washington Post—is not (theoretically) walking away without some sense of regret:

 “A large part of me still wants to stay in the fight,” the theoretical speech posed. “But, at this moment, the nation needs something I cannot provide: a leader with the energy to run a vigorous campaign and then to work for America, at all hours, for the next four years.”

The faux speech then descends into poetic reminiscences about Biden’s accomplishments, his love of the country, Donald Trump’s evil and existential threat, and how VP Kamala Harris has “graciously and courageously” agreed to step in and continue the process.

“Americans, I invite you to search your soul as I have,” the pretend Biden says toward the end of this execrable piece of prose. Oh, I believe many Americans have searched their souls, Mr. President, and that’s why you’re having to consider stepping aside—and I mean in real life, not in this fantasy.

When mainstream journalists wonder why no one trusts the media anymore, this should be Exhibit A. Why would a major outlet print this drivel—by its editorial board? Neither Biden nor his speechwriters have ever sounded this high-minded—instead, his rhetoric has been divisive, angry, and nothing like this schoolgirl diary-type writing. Meanwhile, the noble president and the thriving America depicted hardly resemble what we see with our own eyes; namely, an incoherent commander-in-chief whose policies have been disastrous.

And we haven’t even gotten to the main question: why is a supposedly serious news outlet spending its time burnishing a highly partisan politician’s image in the first place?

As we’ve been reporting extensively, the only people more exposed than Joe Biden after the debate are the media themselves. 


The AP Releases an All-Timer on Biden’s Cognitive Abilities, Gets Burned to the Ground

Nikki Haley Ends ABC’s Stephanopoulos With Just 4 Words: ‘Believe Me Now, George?’

‘Shame on the White House Press Corps’: Former NY Times Editor Blasts Media for Journalistic Failure

They have been shown to be corrupt, untrustworthy, and uninterested in bringing you the truth—the progressive narrative is all they care about. 

This laughable pretend speech is one of their most ludicrous contributions yet. 

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